honesty

Sacrifices

~ tonirib ~ Leave a comment

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.”
– Twenty One Pilots, Stressed Out

In preparation for starting at Turing in October, they are having the students take some online Ruby prep courses through a program called Tealeaf Academy. I started this a few weeks ago, right around the time I quit my job. One of the first things they had us do was watch a video introduction to the course. At one point the instructor asks [paraphrased],

“What are you going to sacrifice to take these courses? Time with your family? Time for your hobbies? Something else? Because if you’re going to devote the time you need to learn this new skill and change your life, you have to sacrifice something.”

That small moment, only about a minute in a sixty minute video, has stuck with me since then. He was right. In order to do all of this prep work, in order to participate fully at Turing, I’ve had to start sacrificing things.

I may have quit my job (the first sacrifice! though it wasn’t really a loss to me) but I’m actually busier than I was when I was still working. I’m now doing 8 – 10 hours of coding 6 days a week trying to finish my online nanodegree at Udacity and complete the prerequisite work for Turing. I’ve had to sacrifice my free time and time with my husband. I’ve had to sacrifice some of my exercising, because I simply can’t fit it into my day anymore. I’ve had to turn down going out to do things because we’re on a tight budget.

You aren’t going to get real change without sacrificing something. And in order to sacrifice, you have to determine what your priorities are. Anyone who has ever tried to lose a significant amount of weight can confirm this.

I am pretty good at prioritizing. I can look at all the things I have to (or want to) do today, this week, this month, this year and separate out what’s really important to me and what can be pushed aside. Sometimes it’s not so easy but that’s what journaling, talking, and making pros/cons lists are for. The important part is that you realize you must sacrifice something if you’re going to try to add something that either directly contradicts how you’ve been doing things or that requires a significant amount of time.

There are a lot of people who are terrible at prioritizing. I think of them as can’t-say-no people and they refuse to believe anything must be sacrificed. Now, sometimes this works. Sometimes. Most of the time you see people who become really, really stressed out because they are trying to fit so much into one day that it’s difficult to keep up with.

That’s where honesty with yourself comes into play. You have to know yourself well enough to be able to look at all that you want and to truthfully answer the question, “Can I really do all of this?”

I think that the majority of my friends are pretty honest with themselves, but I know quite a few that aren’t. If there’s one single thing I could wish upon everyone, it’s to be honest with themselves. Does anyone realize how much conflict is caused because people aren’t really honest with themselves? Because they can’t see who they really are, or more accurately, refuse to admit who they really are?

How can you move forward if you don’t know your own strengths and limitations?

Next time you’re thinking about making a change (and I don’t mean buying new sheets), make sure you look at everything else you’re already doing to figure out if anything needs to be cut. Figure out what you really want (not what anyone tells you to want), what you can honestly manage in any given day, and what needs to be sacrificed for the greater good of yourself.

Confidence, Arrogance, or Truth?

~ tonirib ~ 1 Comment

“What is the real ‘I’?” asked Veronika. Perhaps everyone else there knew, but what did it matter: She must learn to care less about annoying others.
The man seemed surprised by the interruption, but he answered her question.
“It’s what you are, not what others make of you.”
– Veronika Decides to Die, Paulo Coelho

In talking to people about the changes coming up in my life, I often say, “Yeah, but I’m going to do well because I’m great. I’m awesome, so I’ll get a great job and I’m not worried.” This generally evokes a small laugh and a look like they can’t believe I just said that. How dare she talk about how great she is with a totally straight face, like she’s not even ashamed?

But I’m serious. Very serious, in fact. I will succeed because this is exactly the type of thing I succeed at and I don’t feel like I should be ashamed to say that.

There’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance, and truth. One that I probably cross on a daily basis.

I spent a lot of high school and college having a very low self-worth. It didn’t matter that I was great in school or that I had great friends. I blamed every issue on a failure of myself, whether it was academic, personal, or in a relationship. It was always my fault, and therefore, I was terrible.

It took a long time for me to learn how to get over that. Now that I’ve changed my way of thinking (most of the time, at least) I like to recognize my own accomplishments. I do really well at work. I learn quickly. I learn easily. I get along with people. And I feel like I should be able to take pride in that without being judged.

But what I interpret as confidence in my own abilities others often assume is arrogance. Like being modest all the time is somehow endearing. It might even be expected by today’s society. The truth is I have evidence to back up my claims. I have performance reviews, emails, comments from managers and peers, assessments of my work, etc. I’m good, I know I’m good, and I think admitting that shows that I understand myself, not that I’m full of myself.

I’m honest on how well I can do something, so I know when I’m just OK versus when I’m actually pretty good or even great at something. In my mind, telling other people, “yeah, it’s OK” when you know it’s actually excellent is another form of lying. It’s another way to pretend you aren’t who you really are, you don’t feel how you really feel, and it’s another way to be who others think you should be and not who you are.

It’s almost expected these days that you put yourself down so you don’t hurt other people’s feelings, and I simply don’t understand that. It shouldn’t be a sin to state something good about yourself out loud. Admitting I can do something well doesn’t mean by default that you aren’t doing it well. Recognizing my own strengths outside of my written resume or a formal interview doesn’t make me conceited. If you’re correct in your own assessments (i.e., the majority of people you know would also agree with you) then it’s simply telling the truth.

If you’re great at something, don’t let society tell you it’s better to play down your talents than it is to just say, “Yes, you’re right. I’m pretty damn good at this.” But you should first make sure you have the evidence that your opinion of yourself is actual truth, otherwise you just come off as naive.

And that’s one major thing I’m afraid of. Sounding naive. Being disconnected from reality. Being disconnected from my reality.

So I spend a lot of time thinking, countless hours while running or trying to sleep analyzing, and I try to form the most accurate picture of myself possible. I want to intimately know and understand both the way I see myself in addition to the way I think others see me.

If I can put that picture together, I just might know what I’m good at, what I’m bad at, and what I really want.