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The Lost Art of Wanting

~ tonirib ~ Leave a comment

“‘Can is not the same as must.’
‘But if you must and you can, then there’s no excuse.’
‘When you are alive, your business is with life.’
‘No, Iorek,’ she said gently, ‘our business is to keep promises, no matter how difficult they are.'”
– Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass

This post is based on a conversation with my husband I had a few years ago.

Our discussion was on the nature of wanting. How many times a day do you say, “I want…” and then name off some object (the new iPhone, a new car), a physical trait (a flatter stomach, some girl’s amazing haircut), a self improvement (to be able to run a marathon, to learn to speak French), or a life goal (to go sky diving, to change your career)? There’s other categories too, but these are some of the main ones.

We say “I want” so often it’s lost its meaning. It’s become a way to complain to our friends about the things we don’t have.

If you want something – really, truly want it – then why aren’t you working towards getting it?

I sat around for years saying, “I want to be a runner. I want to lose weight. I want to be able to run 6 miles like it’s no big deal.” But when it really came down to it, instead of running (which would help me achieve what I claimed I ‘wanted’) I sat around and drank beer and watched Netflix. Oh sure, I went out running once or twice a month, but I made excuses (really good ones!) for every other day.

I didn’t want to run, I wanted to want to run.

Let me clarify: I wanted to be someone who wants to run every day. Who actually got excited about going running after work (or before work) and who looked forward to it. Who didn’t make excuses for it because maybe running was the excuse for not doing other things. Because really, who was stopping me from running except me? If I really wanted to run, I would just get out there and run.

I used the word ‘want’ so often I basically turned it into an excuse to complain about my life but not do anything about it. It was the same thing with my job. I ‘wanted a new job not in aerospace’ but put no effort into learning new skills or applying for jobs outside of aerospace. I applied for a new job here and there, but if I really hated it so much, why wasn’t I trying?

I’m guessing there are plenty of you out there who see my point. If you want to do something, you do it. If you simply want to want to do something, you sit around and tell all of your friends (and yourself) how much you want to do that thing…but you don’t actually do it.

The good news is, you can change. I’ve found that acknowledging you’re a wannabe-wanter instead of an actual-wanter is the first step to making that change.

When I finally admitted that if I really wanted to run multiple days a week and do more than one half marathon a year I would have already done it, it allowed me to think about the situation differently. So maybe I wasn’t someone who was always motivated to run 5 days a week. Fine. I made a running calendar and signed myself up for 3 half marathons, spaced a few months apart. Now, no matter what, I was telling myself that I do want this and I am going to do what it takes to get it, with no more excuses.

I did the same with my job. I’ve been complaining about my job and the whole aerospace industry for four years now. I’ve been saying, “I want a new job” that entire time. It wasn’t until I admitted that nothing would change unless I changed it – and went way out of my usual path to change it – that things actually started changing. I’m now happy to announce that I’ve been accepted to the Turing School for Software & Design where I’m going to learn to be a Full Stack Developer.

I’m finally getting what I want. I’m finally turning the things I want into things I have.

So ask yourself next time you hear the words, “I want” coming out of your mouth. Do you really want that thing? If so, why aren’t you actively working towards it? Why aren’t you making at least some effort, every single day, to achieve that goal? Why aren’t you improving yourself and removing obstacles from your path? You want it, right?

People who actually want something dedicate themselves to achieving it. Period.

People who just want to think about how much they want it, haven’t yet figured out what ‘want’ means.

Waiting

~ tonirib ~ Leave a comment

“And she called out a warning: Don’t ever let life pass you by”
– Warning by Incubus

As of today, I am waiting.

Waiting to hear back on if and when I can change my career. But really, I’ve been waiting for a few months now since I needed to figure out a plan to pay off all our credit cards and then save up enough money to quit my job and not work for at least half a year. That took time, and patience, and learning how to do something I’m not used to doing.

The very first tattoo I got was music notes for the song Warning by Incubus. “Don’t ever let life pass you by.” I wanted to remember not to let fear hold me back. To always go for something I want, when I want it, instead of waiting and letting the right moment pass me by.

You always regret want you didn’t attempt far more than what you tried and failed at.

So for the last 8 years, I’ve pretty much lived in the moment. Especially since getting a job after college, because I’ve finally had money to finance all the fun things I want to do. If I want to go to a concert at Red Rocks, I buy tickets. I wanted to get out of Los Angeles, so I moved. How about getting drunk with my husband at a brewery and buying a super soft t-shirt that I probably don’t need? You bet.

Because hey, I don’t want the fun things in life to pass me by. I want those spontaneous moments, and I want them now.

It’s been more difficult than I expected to change that philosophy when it comes to something I really want, but that forces me to stop living in the moment to achieve it. I want to change my life by changing my career, and that means I need think twice before purchasing so I can save money. I have to keep reminding myself that I will be able to do these things later. Once I get through the rest of 2015 and half of 2016.

It’s really not that long. When all of this is over, I’ll probably have a new job I’m happy with (finally!!!) by June 2016. Less than a year away. But for someone who has spent most of the last 8 years doing the thing she wants when she wants it, a year seems like a long time. I also love spontaneous fun and have the patience of a small child. It’s hard to keep my goal in mind when I’m out drinking and someone asks if I want to buy tickets to an expensive concert (which I technically have the money for) or when I’m sitting at home studying when all I really want to do is watch Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. It’s not just money I need to save, I also have to learn how to take my previously-known-as “free time” and turn that into “learning time” and “work time.”

It has certainly been a slow process for me. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up with a nice glass of whiskey and watch 4 episodes of Lost Girl, which used to be a perfectly acceptable thing for me to do for the last 4 years since any time after 5pm is “free time” for me. But does it really help me achieve my goals now that I’m trying to accomplish something more?

That’s what I try to focus on. When I go to bed, I like to ask myself, “Did you help achieve your goals today?” And when I wake up the next morning I ask myself, “Are you going to help achieve your goals today?”

I find asking myself a question – even if its the same question – every day helps keep me on track. I don’t beat myself up when I haven’t helped (like buying a $135 Cat Hat….but that was totally necessary, right?) but I try to do better the next day.

In the end, it still comes down to waiting. Waiting to do the things I want to do. Waiting to have enough money and time to do them. Waiting to hear if I’m going to be allowed to do them.

While I’m waiting, I realize I’m not changing my philosophy at all. I’m simply revising it slightly. I’m not letting life pass me by, I’m taking the steering wheel and turning it in another direction. This is the right time and I’m following my own advice and acting on it. Some of the small, short-term things may slide by my window and I’ll feel a little sad about them, but my end goal is clearly in sight.

Now I I’m just waiting to hear if I can step on the gas pedal.

Confidence, Arrogance, or Truth?

~ tonirib ~ 1 Comment

“What is the real ‘I’?” asked Veronika. Perhaps everyone else there knew, but what did it matter: She must learn to care less about annoying others.
The man seemed surprised by the interruption, but he answered her question.
“It’s what you are, not what others make of you.”
– Veronika Decides to Die, Paulo Coelho

In talking to people about the changes coming up in my life, I often say, “Yeah, but I’m going to do well because I’m great. I’m awesome, so I’ll get a great job and I’m not worried.” This generally evokes a small laugh and a look like they can’t believe I just said that. How dare she talk about how great she is with a totally straight face, like she’s not even ashamed?

But I’m serious. Very serious, in fact. I will succeed because this is exactly the type of thing I succeed at and I don’t feel like I should be ashamed to say that.

There’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance, and truth. One that I probably cross on a daily basis.

I spent a lot of high school and college having a very low self-worth. It didn’t matter that I was great in school or that I had great friends. I blamed every issue on a failure of myself, whether it was academic, personal, or in a relationship. It was always my fault, and therefore, I was terrible.

It took a long time for me to learn how to get over that. Now that I’ve changed my way of thinking (most of the time, at least) I like to recognize my own accomplishments. I do really well at work. I learn quickly. I learn easily. I get along with people. And I feel like I should be able to take pride in that without being judged.

But what I interpret as confidence in my own abilities others often assume is arrogance. Like being modest all the time is somehow endearing. It might even be expected by today’s society. The truth is I have evidence to back up my claims. I have performance reviews, emails, comments from managers and peers, assessments of my work, etc. I’m good, I know I’m good, and I think admitting that shows that I understand myself, not that I’m full of myself.

I’m honest on how well I can do something, so I know when I’m just OK versus when I’m actually pretty good or even great at something. In my mind, telling other people, “yeah, it’s OK” when you know it’s actually excellent is another form of lying. It’s another way to pretend you aren’t who you really are, you don’t feel how you really feel, and it’s another way to be who others think you should be and not who you are.

It’s almost expected these days that you put yourself down so you don’t hurt other people’s feelings, and I simply don’t understand that. It shouldn’t be a sin to state something good about yourself out loud. Admitting I can do something well doesn’t mean by default that you aren’t doing it well. Recognizing my own strengths outside of my written resume or a formal interview doesn’t make me conceited. If you’re correct in your own assessments (i.e., the majority of people you know would also agree with you) then it’s simply telling the truth.

If you’re great at something, don’t let society tell you it’s better to play down your talents than it is to just say, “Yes, you’re right. I’m pretty damn good at this.” But you should first make sure you have the evidence that your opinion of yourself is actual truth, otherwise you just come off as naive.

And that’s one major thing I’m afraid of. Sounding naive. Being disconnected from reality. Being disconnected from my reality.

So I spend a lot of time thinking, countless hours while running or trying to sleep analyzing, and I try to form the most accurate picture of myself possible. I want to intimately know and understand both the way I see myself in addition to the way I think others see me.

If I can put that picture together, I just might know what I’m good at, what I’m bad at, and what I really want.

The Nature of Change

~ tonirib ~ 1 Comment

“You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It’s their mistake, not my failing.” – Richard Feynman

You can’t know everything about yourself from the beginning.

Sometimes we treat decisions as finite things. Once you’ve thought about something for a while, weighed your options, and decided, you have to follow through with that decision. Otherwise, you’re just someone who doesn’t know what they want.

I find that it’s not that I don’t know what I want, but that what I want changes quite often. I get bored easily. I can’t sleep, and so I think. Or possibly I can’t stop thinking and so I can’t sleep, but that’s a topic for another day.

When I first moved to Los Angeles back in 2007, I told all of my friends and family in Minnesota that I would never leave. I loved Southern California, I loved Los Angeles, and I had found my permanent home. And it was true. I absolutely believed that at the time. But you can’t know everything about yourself from the beginning. After 5 years, I was ready to start looking elsewhere and I got a lot of questions from friends, but especially my family.

“But I thought you said you never wanted to leave?”

“What about everything you said to me a year ago?”

It’s almost like people don’t want you to change your mind once you’ve decided. Like somehow, wanting to try on a new place, a new face, a new personality is a bad thing. People get used to one version of you, and whether or not they love that version of you, it’s familiar. 

Have you ever broken up with someone only to have them say, “But you said you loved me?” I have. I find it hard to explain to them that I did love them and that I absolutely meant it when I said it and wasn’t lying. Because that’s what people assume when you change your mind, isn’t it?

You were either lying to yourself or lying to them. Or maybe both. Maybe you’re doing one of those things now.

When did change get so associated with dishonesty? As far as I’m concerned, life is change. If I’m not changing, I’m stagnating. It’s not simply that I’m staying the same or not progressing, I actually feel like I’m suffocating. I obsess over the questions, “What have I done in the last year? How have I improved myself? How can I do better next year?” Because there are always ways to make yourself better. There are always new things to try, new places to see, new friends to talk to, new skills to learn, new….anything.

I don’t expect everyone to get it. Most people I meet are fairly happy doing basically the same thing, day in and day out. They accept life for what it is currently and can exist that way for years, even if they’re unhappy. I see it all day, every day at my current job.

To me, it’s utterly terrifying.

Real change is difficult. It’s unfamiliar and it takes a lot of effort. I’m often scared when I start something new that I won’t be good at it. Or that I’ll ruin the small life I’ve built for myself. Or that I’ll disappoint or hurt someone, because what I currently want is exactly the opposite of what I said I wanted (and what I really did want) at some earlier point in time.

Why throw away my decent paying job and benefits for something totally unknown when I could just…not? Besides, I have a husband to think of. My parents paid for that college education of mine for this specific industry I now want to leave. I made promises, and I should keep them, whether or not I believe in them now. Things will get better eventually, right? This is what I wanted 6 years ago, so if I just wait it out, I’m sure I’ll eventually get used to it and just be happy. 

Or I’ll just go numb.

So I choose not to sit around and think about how I could be happier. I choose to allow myself to change as much as I want to, as often as I want to. I’m not looking for the internet’s answer to happiness, I’m looking for my answer to happiness.

I can change. I can be different. I can want something new today.

I can change. 

I can be different.

I can want something new today.