“The real problem in speech is not precise language. The problem is clear language. The desire is to have the idea clearly communicated to the other person. It is only necessary to be precise when there is some doubt as to the meaning of a phrase, and then the precision should be put in the place where the doubt exists. It is really quite impossible to say anything with absolute precision, unless that thing is so abstracted from the real world as to not represent any real thing.”
– Richard Feynman

As I start a new phase in my life again where I’m constantly meeting new people and these new people are forced to get used to my particular brand of personality, I’m reminded of something that comes up over and over again in my life: I’m not likable. Or, more precisely, I’m not very likable when you first meet me, and after spending some time with me, you’re either going to really like me or definitely not like me.

I have a very polarizing personality. I’m opinionated, I think I’m right a lot, I’m brutally honest, I have almost zero filter, and I’m vocal about all of these things. My personal experiences have taught me that many people are afraid of being wrong in front of others, but I don’t have this fear. I’m that annoying person that answers questions in class all the time because even though I’m right more times than not, I’m not always right, and that’s okay with me. If I’m wrong, I’ll just learn from it.

Sometimes I don’t like writing about myself because I’m afraid it will sound conceited or narcissistic. I’m afraid you will judge me and talk about me in an unpleasant light behind my back. So, because I’m afraid of it, I’m going to keep on facing it and write about it anyway.

I find that simply by being myself, and being honest, I alienate people. I learn quickly, which means that right now in my new school, I’m not having a lot of trouble. I’m not stressed and I’m rarely confused. And if you were a student in that class having a tough time almost every day and feeling overwhelmed, I imagine that you’d want to get together with the other students who feel like you do so you could commiserate together. Why would you want to hang out with me when I can’t complain with you? Why would you want to hang out with me at all? You’d probably (secretly) hate me just a little because you’re comparing your work to mine. And I’m not surprised about this at all, because it’s how I’ve felt towards other people at times in my life also.

I also have a tendency to want to help others understand things, and to correct people if they are wrong, and to answer questions. If someone asks me if I’ve completed something and I have, I will say yes. If they ask if it was difficult for me and it wasn’t, I’ll say that too. If they ask me for help so they can understand it also, I’ll be delighted, and I’m pretty much always say yes.

But I recognize the fact that I would have an easier time making friends if I wasn’t honest. If I pretended things were difficult, if I wasn’t so open about my knowledge, would people like me more? If I kept my mouth shut, would it be helpful to me or would I simply be denying who I really am?

If you’ve ever watched “Mean Girls” then you’ll get the dilemma. If I’m really good at math, but the cute boy in front of me totally doesn’t understand it, then I should just pretend I don’t understand it so he’ll like me more, right? Except the moral in the end is be yourself, even if that self is a super math nerd (yes, I was co-captain of my high school math team) who doesn’t make a lot of friends.

But knowing this, and knowing that being myself is the best option, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when I get the impression that people are out planning things and doing things that I’m not invited to. When I feel like I can’t bond with people in the same way even though I want to bond with them. Unfortunately, knowing something doesn’t usually make it easier to accept or deal with.

Furthering the issue is the inability to express this accurately. How do you get someone to understand who you are and why you act the way you do? How do you choose the right words – the most precise words – to convey your meaning to someone who has only known you for a few weeks?

How do you be yourself, while not hurting others by being yourself?