“Are you where you thought you’d be?
So beautiful and only twenty-three.
Opposition rests in the hearts
with no, with no, with no opportunity.
It’s not that we don’t talk,
it’s just no one really listens and honesty fades
like a politician lost in the course
all smiles and no one remembers our names.
With downcast eyes
there’s more to living than being alive.”
– Anberlin, Alexithymia

It’s easy to fall into a routine that’s comfortable. But when you’re trying to achieve something you haven’t done before, ‘comfortable’ is a feeling you should be wary of. It’s the opposite of pushing yourself, of testing your limits and finding your boundaries. It’s a way to let yourself think you’re moving forward when you really aren’t.

If you want to progress and achieve your next goal, you have to push yourself. You have to do something different and you have to force yourself to be uncomfortable.

No one wants to be uncomfortable. You may look at fit people doing intense exercise thinking that they’re just used to it and they probably feel OK. They don’t. I’m sure they feel terrible a lot of the time. But they’re doing it anyway. If you don’t feel uncomfortable, you aren’t going to get better. It takes a lot of mental strength to decide that you’re going to purposely do something that you’re not sure you can do or that you are afraid of or that is going to be mentally, physically, or emotionally stressful.

It isn’t easy for me, and it isn’t easy for anyone. It’s a decision you make, not just something that happens automatically when you decide you want something.

I want to get a PR on my next half marathon and I know that if I keep running comfortably, I won’t get there. Wanting it doesn’t help unless I really push myself to follow through with it on every run in the next 2 months. I could do every run on my schedule without really pushing myself.

I usually avoid running in the heat (which for me is anything above 75 degrees) because it’s difficult and I hate being that hot while running. I’ve decided yesterday I need to get over this because if I keep doing what’s comfortable I’ll never learn how to run in the heat and I’ll always have a reason [read: excuse] not to run during the summer.

Similarly, last year I forced myself to learn how to ride moguls on a snowboard because even though I’m an advanced rider on other terrain, I was missing a huge portion of the mountain. I was sick of it. I finally faced my fear of looking like a beginner for an entire season and just did it. It was terrible at first but after a few weeks I finally got the hang of how to make the turns and started enjoying myself. Now instead of swearing (a lot) every time I find myself in the middle of a run full of bumps, I seek them out and end the run with a big smile on my face.

Allowing yourself to stay where you are comfortable provides no sense of accomplishment.

Most of us are guilty of not pushing ourselves yet complaining that we don’t see any change. It’s a mental pattern you have to break out of it you want real change in your life. Unfortunately, even if you break your habits and make a change, it’s incredibly easy to slide right back into your warm, happy comfort zone.

It’s why my second tattoo is a question: Are you where you thought you’d be?

I always want to keep asking myself that question and all the others that come along with it. Am I where I thought I’d be? If not, why? Maybe I’m not where I thought I would be, but is it because I’m in an even better place? Do I need to make any changes to my life to get to where I want to be? What choices did I make that brought me here? Would I make different decisions now? What do I want to do next?

I got the tattoo not just as a reminder to me, but as a question for everyone else in my life. You should always ask yourself these questions, at least every six months. It helps you take charge of your life and it helps you realize when you’ve allowed yourself to become comfortable. You may not even be able to answer them at the time, but at least you’re thinking about it.

So, are you where you thought you’d be?

Are you pushing yourself or are you allowing yourself to be comfortable?

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”
-William James

Today at work I received an email titled “Implementation of ‘Fun Spaces'” from the Director of Operations of my division targeted to all “Young Employees” in my division. It was a link to a four question (anonymous) survey which went like this:

1. What is your primary work location? (pick one)
2. With many people working long hours, [we] are considering implementing rejuvenation or “Fun” spaces at our campuses. Do you like this idea? (yes, no, not sure, etc.)
3. What kind of “Fun” activities would you like to see on campus? (video games, table tennis, foosball, billiards, other)
4. Approximately how often would you expect to use the “Fun” spaces? (choose a frequency)

I filled out the survey, then sat at my computer and laughed. They couldn’t be serious, right? There wasn’t even a space for comments or suggestions on the survey. Also, they’re calling it ‘fun spaces’ as if somehow that entices us Millennials?

Needless to say, I’m not one to stay quiet. And since this high level employee made the mistake of including their name on the original email, I took the time to write a (quite long) email back to him expressing my thoughts.

I can say honestly that adding a pool table to the foosball table we already have at my site isn’t going to change my mind about leaving the company or suddenly make me tell my young friends that this is a cool, hip, fun place to work. The whole culture needs to change.

I assumed I wouldn’t get a reply, but I got one an hour later that was actually pretty surprising. He agreed with me and understands that bigger culture changes need to be made. He appreciated my honesty and sincerity. Also, he wants to meet up to chat in person about it and any other ideas I might have when he’s in town in two weeks. I’d say it was worthwhile sending my (possibly offensive and definitely candid) email response to him.

But I will bet right now that I’m the only person about of 1000+ people receiving that email that responded to him. Know why? Because I have no fear when it comes to speaking up, and you shouldn’t either.

Recently at work I also got fed up with some of the management making just another decision without consulting us little minions, aka the ones who are stuck doing all of the rework. They presented to us yet another half-baked plan that hadn’t really been thought out. After 30 minutes of us grilling them on the details (most of which had no answers) I finally just said, “Look, I’m not doing this until you come up with an actual plan, and neither should anyone else.” [note: this is paraphrased]

They agreed that we shouldn’t do anything yet (the opposite of their original direction) and that they would think about it some more and get back to us with a better solution. Which they did, saving us little minions hours of unnecessary rework and stress.

Afterwards, a co-worker told me that I was her hero. But the thing is, I’m not a hero, I just don’t have a fear of saying what’s on my mind even when it’s to people above me.

Now, acting this way may get you voted “Most Argumentative” as it did for my classic one-on-one showdown with a 10th grade English teacher (among other things), but the point is things get done when you’re honest, open, straight-forward, and unafraid.

There’s nothing that makes me special or more capable of speaking up. There’s nothing that’s preventing anyone from doing it except themselves. Even when you think you might get in trouble (for example, telling a manager something they don’t want to hear), it usually ends out working in your favor.

Don’t be afraid to ask, to question, to give the wrong answer, or to demand respect. Don’t be afraid to tell someone why they are wrong. Don’t sit around hoping someone like me says the thing that’s on your mind, and being disappointed when they don’t.

Once you start speaking up and voicing your opinion, you’ll realize there was nothing to be afraid of to begin with.

“‘Can is not the same as must.’
‘But if you must and you can, then there’s no excuse.’
‘When you are alive, your business is with life.’
‘No, Iorek,’ she said gently, ‘our business is to keep promises, no matter how difficult they are.'”
– Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass

This post is based on a conversation with my husband I had a few years ago.

Our discussion was on the nature of wanting. How many times a day do you say, “I want…” and then name off some object (the new iPhone, a new car), a physical trait (a flatter stomach, some girl’s amazing haircut), a self improvement (to be able to run a marathon, to learn to speak French), or a life goal (to go sky diving, to change your career)? There’s other categories too, but these are some of the main ones.

We say “I want” so often it’s lost its meaning. It’s become a way to complain to our friends about the things we don’t have.

If you want something – really, truly want it – then why aren’t you working towards getting it?

I sat around for years saying, “I want to be a runner. I want to lose weight. I want to be able to run 6 miles like it’s no big deal.” But when it really came down to it, instead of running (which would help me achieve what I claimed I ‘wanted’) I sat around and drank beer and watched Netflix. Oh sure, I went out running once or twice a month, but I made excuses (really good ones!) for every other day.

I didn’t want to run, I wanted to want to run.

Let me clarify: I wanted to be someone who wants to run every day. Who actually got excited about going running after work (or before work) and who looked forward to it. Who didn’t make excuses for it because maybe running was the excuse for not doing other things. Because really, who was stopping me from running except me? If I really wanted to run, I would just get out there and run.

I used the word ‘want’ so often I basically turned it into an excuse to complain about my life but not do anything about it. It was the same thing with my job. I ‘wanted a new job not in aerospace’ but put no effort into learning new skills or applying for jobs outside of aerospace. I applied for a new job here and there, but if I really hated it so much, why wasn’t I trying?

I’m guessing there are plenty of you out there who see my point. If you want to do something, you do it. If you simply want to want to do something, you sit around and tell all of your friends (and yourself) how much you want to do that thing…but you don’t actually do it.

The good news is, you can change. I’ve found that acknowledging you’re a wannabe-wanter instead of an actual-wanter is the first step to making that change.

When I finally admitted that if I really wanted to run multiple days a week and do more than one half marathon a year I would have already done it, it allowed me to think about the situation differently. So maybe I wasn’t someone who was always motivated to run 5 days a week. Fine. I made a running calendar and signed myself up for 3 half marathons, spaced a few months apart. Now, no matter what, I was telling myself that I do want this and I am going to do what it takes to get it, with no more excuses.

I did the same with my job. I’ve been complaining about my job and the whole aerospace industry for four years now. I’ve been saying, “I want a new job” that entire time. It wasn’t until I admitted that nothing would change unless I changed it – and went way out of my usual path to change it – that things actually started changing. I’m now happy to announce that I’ve been accepted to the Turing School for Software & Design where I’m going to learn to be a Full Stack Developer.

I’m finally getting what I want. I’m finally turning the things I want into things I have.

So ask yourself next time you hear the words, “I want” coming out of your mouth. Do you really want that thing? If so, why aren’t you actively working towards it? Why aren’t you making at least some effort, every single day, to achieve that goal? Why aren’t you improving yourself and removing obstacles from your path? You want it, right?

People who actually want something dedicate themselves to achieving it. Period.

People who just want to think about how much they want it, haven’t yet figured out what ‘want’ means.